The Felixes
Or, the Anti-Oscars.TM

Best Actor 2003

Johnny Depp for The Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

PRO: Wears more makeup than all the other actors and actresses combined; such a good old salt he knocked out Russell Crowe

CON: Movie named after Disney ride could be tainted by Haunted Mansion debacle

Sir Ben Kingsley for House of Sand and Fog

PRO: Academy owes him one for "Sexy Beast;" if he doesn't get this, may stand as body double for Afghan president

CON: Entire movie just Robert McNamara talking to the camera

Jude Law for Cold Mountain

PRO: Captivating although forced to wallow in muck and silt and bad dialogue

CON: "I gotta get home/can you help me get home?" role makes him a good ringer for Paddington bear

Bill Murray for Lost in Translation

PRO: Coppola magic: the next generation. Plus, Academy voters can sympathize with portrayal of tiring boozehound shilling products for money

CON: Small movie; couldn't he have saved "Charlie's Angels II" instead?"

Sean Penn for Mystic River

PRO: For what it's worth, actual best performance of year; extra credit for "21 Grams," which is 21 Grams more than the weight of the Oscars he's won previously

CON: Performance all tics and yelling; greatest actor of his generation on the verge of going Pacino on us

Best Actress 2003

Keisha Castle-Hughes for Whale Rider

PRO: She's supposed to be really good (we thought it was a porn movie, but we never could find it on Club Jenna)

CON: Yet another movie about kid and whale (Free Willy); hasn't Hollywood heard of dogs and ponies?

Diane Keaton for Something's Gotta Give

PRO: Over 25 and gets naked: strong contender for the Helen Hunt/Shirley McLaine "I pretended to be in love with Jack Nicholson" Purple Heart Oscar

CON: Nice comic turn may be overlooked due to Academy's historic bias towards portrayers of serial killers

Samantha Morton for In America

PRO: Deserves it for that haircut

CON: That haircut

Charlize Theron for Monster

PRO: Gains 30 pounds, most of it in her teeth; influential critic Roger Ebert calls this "one of the greatest performances in the history of cinema"

CON: Ebert may be misguided about what is basically a fine turn in a Lifetime movie-of-the-week (he has a rumored bias in favor of weight gain)

Naomi Watts for 21 Grams

PRO: After "Mulholland Drive" continues streak of moving, sensible performances in incomprehensible movies

CON: America-centric academy voters morally opposed to the metric system

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Felixes 2003 Table of Contents

Best Picture | Best Actor | Best Actress | Best Supporting Actor | Best Supporting Actress | Best Director

Best Foreign Film | Original Screenplay | Adapted Screenplay

Original Song | Original Dramatic Score

Cinematography | Art Direction/Set Decoration | Editing | Documentary Feature


Everything Else


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