The Felixes

Or, the Anti-Oscars.TM

Original Song 1998

"I Don't Want to Miss A Thing," from Armageddon

PRO: Maybe Aerosmith will skip this power ballad at the performance and bust out with "Sweet Emotion."

CON: ...but probably not, and they're getting fat and ugly. This was nominated for a Razzie!!! Most uninteresting, unoriginal song nominated makes a viewer long for the days of "Blaze of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi. We'd like to take the time to say, EECCCCHHH.

"That'll Do," from Babe: Pig in the City

PRO: Beats the song from the forthcoming second sequel, Babe: Pig in the Microwave.

CON: Follows the fine tradition set by "Ben" and "Willard" of songs to really ugly animals. At least Babe isn't a rat.

"A Soft Place to Fall," from The Horse Whisperer

PRO: 'I call my film "Horses are Pretty," because horses ARE pretty. A perfect song to fall asleep to. As was the film.

CON: Soft? This is a movie about a horrific RIDING ACCIDENT!!!! And you'd think in a movie that doesn't rise above the 40-decible level after the first 10 minutes, you'd remember a song.

"The Prayer," from Quest for Camelot

PRO: Versatile -- you could switch the name of the movie and song and still get a nomination.

CON: I wanted to see this movie, but I was sick that day. Who the hell nominates these songs? Makes you wish for that Puff Daddy crap from Godzilla, or something from Something About Mary, or even Randy Newman's latest ode to animated vermin.

"When You Believe," from The Prince of Egypt

PRO: Not a Disney movie, so we'll probably be spared hearing it every time they release it on video. Subject matter guarantees no sequel.

CON: In its quest to avoid offending Jews, Muslims, Christians, Egyptians and pagans, they tested everyone's patience with this treacle. Kick us, kill us, insult us, just don't bore us. Yes, I'm talking about the movie, but the song will have to take the brunt.

Original Dramatic Score 1998

Elizabeth (David Hirschfelder)

PRO: Bold and sweeping, powerful score underscores the intrigue and mystery of this picture. Movie's best assets are its technical aspects, including music. No annoying songs in this movie.

CON: Could have played The Godfather score and not missed a beat.

Life is Beautiful (Nicola Proveni)

PRO: Dreamy, heart-rending music; Italian twist on sentimental dramatic stuff pioneered by John Williams and hacks like Michael Kamen.

CON: Reminds me of that sappy blind opera guy (Yeah, I spoke of him before.) Shut up, man, let's hear some Celine. eeeeehhhh.

Pleasantville (Randy Newman)

PRO: Unobtrusive score serves as background for great early rock-n-roll music.

CON: We heard this score is actually the same as A Bug's Life but played backwards.

Saving Private Ryan (John Williams)

PRO: Hard to argue with this guy, he's been winning for 30 years.

CON: Bombastic stuff that's not stirring like Schindler's List or hummable like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The Thin Red Line (Hans Zimmer)

PRO: Nice break from all the spooky narration.

CON: There was music?

Original Musical or Comedy Score 1998

A Bug's Life (Randy Newman)

PRO: It's a "Circle of Life" kinda thing. We're spared a performance from him, so no worries.

CON: Ants less musical than crickets (maybe there's a sequel). Newman truly believes that short people have no reason to live.

Mulan(Matthew Wilder, David Zippel, and Jerry Goldsmith)

PRO: Lemmings brainwashed by Disney will attempt to shoehorn this one in like they did The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Bias toward gender-bending this year (Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth).

CON: She's a man, baby! YEAAAH!

Patch Adams (Marc Shaiman)

PRO: Patch Adams could be a nickname for John Adams, who composed the opera Nixon in China, a pretty cool show with an airplane on stage and stuff.

CON: No music in the world can convince us that 47-year-old Robin Williams is young enough to play a MEDICAL STUDENT. Apparently $100 million of lambs did, however, right to the slaughter.

The Prince of Egypt (Stephen Schwartz and Hans Zimmer)

PRO: Heck with the score. Remember in History of the World, when Mel Brooks dropped the commandments? That was cool. Producers get points for not bothering with tacky product tie-ins. ...And it came to pass, when men began to make animated movies, and scripts and scores were brought unto them, this one wasn't so bad.

CON: The Ten Plagues, enslavement, persecution, Val Kilmer. Ah, comedy.

Shakespeare in Love (Stephen Warbeck)

PRO: This was nominated for Best Picture. The others weren't. They can stow it. Only movie in category that doesn't involve two-dimensional characters.

CON: Underscoring swordfights, the death of a friend, and forbidden love isn't quite bouncy and happy enough for this category.

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