The Felixes

Or, the Anti-Oscars.TM

Best Supporting Actor 2006

Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine

PRO: Offbeat performance fulfills important responsibility of older generation in Hollywood — teaching today's young actresses how to strip.

CON: Paris, Britney, Lindsay … perhaps current starlets need to learn how to put on underpants.

Jackie Earle Haley for Little Children

PRO: Former child star Bad News Bears, Breaking Away avoids typical child-star problems …

CON: … to turn in a performance so creepy even Roman Polanski couldn't watch it.

Djimon Honsou for Blood Diamond

PRO: Versatile actor continues to dazzle in high-carat roles (Amistad, Gladiator, In America).

CON: Hollywood prefers Pokemon to Djimon; life was so much easier when Academy voters only need to spell "Danny Glover."

Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls

PRO: Follows in the steps of Bill Murray and Robin Williams: comic actor doing serious, critically acclaimed work.

CON: Hard to recast your image when voters still remember "Little Richard Simmons" and that episode with the transvestite hooker (which, come to think of it, might be redundant).

Mark Wahlberg for The Departed

PRO: Standout performance among a real "Funky Bunch" of actors.

CON: Third nipple still freaks us out; Bostonian does Boston accent in movie set in Boston, is that acting?

Best Supporting Actress 2006

Adriana Barraza for Babel

PRO: Gained 35 pounds to play challenging role of housekeeper, thought by some to be best performance in film.

CON: Didn't we already see Spanglish? We mean, didn't somebody?

Cate Blanchett for Notes on a Scandal

PRO: One of three standout performances (see also Babel, The Good German) this year

CON: Voters hate her from taking all the good roles from Americans or even just people who spell Kate correctly.

Abigail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine

PRO: Voters hope for striptease-style acceptance speech; plus, Dakota Fanning is so two years ago.

CON: Too young and eats too much ice cream.

Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls

PRO: Steals the movie.

CON: America has already (however unfairly) voted her out: And I am telling you … I'm not winning

Rinko Kikuchi for Babel

PRO: Plays deaf and mute, scoring double disability points.

CON: Deaf and mute with a crotch shot may be overkill.

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Felixes 2007 Table of Contents

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